一切都只是一个谎言

First chinese blog title. YAY! My new added revelation: to learn chinese^^ I'm currently learning chinese from Mr.Google! He's really a good teacher! teehee =)

BUT, i know the title is not a good one. Everything is a lie. I don't know if you still read my blog since you doesn't care about me anymore. Anyway, it's my blog. (my twin daughter said; it's your blog..u can write anything u want!^^) So, I just want to write whatever i'm feeling. There is so many questions in my head since i came back from UK. So many left unanswered. The things you promised and said when we're in UK, it's not happening now. What are you thinking? Are you doing the same thing to me again? HMM...I know i can't demand anything from you now.

P/S: I think i'm really a demanding person. Is it bad? If it is..i will change ><

Another heartache night. I didn't know that i made you tired. I didn't know that i gave you so much pressure. All i thought was to tell you the best for you. I thought by telling you the truth would be good for you. I just don't want other people to see in a way that you are not grown up yet. I thought when you said sisterhood means i can tell you everything. But, maybe it was all "I thought". I'm sorry for making you tired, breathless and pressured..but i guess sorry is all too late. I just want to tell you i didn't step back first. It was you guys that gave up on me first...

nvm...it only sound as if i'm defending myself now..><

am i that complicated? am i that demanding? am i that difficult to deal with? is everyone bearing with me all this while? when will another one leave me???

To Them

I really treasure this 2 years of friendship with you guys. Although it's not long, it's enough to leave a deep memory inside me. Browsing through all the pictures we took, so many happy memories flashed back. We went so many places together, did so many silly and crazy things together and we celebrated each other birthdays with surprises! I will always remember the birthday party you guys throw for me at Kuantan. It was full of surprises and funs! It will always be embedded in my mind forever.

The time we spent in Villa Angsana is the best time we had. Play Station, dim sum, Uma Rani, pillow talk, birthday surprise, feeding fish, playing with dog and we even burn midnight oil together to rush for all the stupid assignments. I think there's never a time that we quarreled which makes our friendship more valuable and special to me. Well, maybe i did with some of you. But, I'm glad that we always get back together and understand each other better after the cold war. All these created the happiest moment in my life...

BUT, things are different now. There were no longer us but me alone. There's so much things happened in the past four months. Good and bads. I didn't realized there were dissatisfaction inside you guys about me. Maybe you guys tolerated me too much and now you guys finally gave up and it marks an end to our friendship. Even if one day, we get back together, I know that we will never be the same anymore. Reason, your ignorance in a foreign countries and the things that you said about me hurts me deeply. It makes me lost the trust in this precious friendship and it haunts me every time i talked to people now. I know i'm not perfect but to be treated this way...the question 'do i deserve this treatment from you guys'? will always popped up in my mind. I'm not angry or blaming anyone. All that has happened, i can only blame myself for not being the perfect friend that you're looking for.

Wishing all of you the best in everything you do and your future undertakings. Best of luck in the coming CIMA Nov sitting.

Sincerely,

Chelle

Question Mark?

why is it you that i think of when i needed supports? That night i seek Lord for an answer..but i didn't get the answer i wanted. Wrong timing again? or i expected too much which is impossible for one to fulfill.

I'm wrong

BEST FRIEND: someone with whom one shares the strongest possible kind of friendship.

FRIENDSHIP: Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• Mutual understanding and compassion
• Trust in one another (able to express feelings - including in relation to the other's actions - without the fear of being judged); able to go to each other for emotional support
• Positive reciprocity - a relationship is based on equal give and take between the two parties.

TAKEN FROM WIKIPEDIA.COM

Wondering why i google best friend and friendship? I want to remind myself how naive i am for thinking i can be 100% honest to my best friends in ALL areas including pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart and express my feelings towards them without the fear of being judged. I was WRONG. I am being judged all the time in our friendship. I thought by encouraging one to voice out any dissatisfaction about me IN FRONT of me would prevent them from talking behind me. I was WRONG.

Have you ever wonder how is it like to be dump by your best friend, not one of them but three of them in a place that you're not familiar with, a place that there is no one to rely except them? But, they've already left you so who can you rely and turn to when all you need is support? Ask me and i'll let you know how it feels and who to seek.

Here is what leads to my emotion breakdown (to answer those who still concerns about me);

The reason i stayed longer in UK and not coming back immediately after my course is because of them. I thought it was the last time we can travel together so far and i really want us to have sweet memories before each of us enter the workforce. I never thought it would turn out to be the bitterest memories ever in my life. "She should go back right after the course and not joining us". I know i told you before that i need to have cash when i go back Malaysia but i did tell you that i stayed because i want to travel and go back Malaysia with you. Don't you get it? I'm willing to suffer when i go back Malaysia for the fun that we will have in UK. T.T Maybe I should actually go back because it's only me that want to travel with you all so much. You have your loved one with you already so of course my presence is not important. I was WRONG.

"She's always like that when we don't agree with her idea". snapped* This line pierced through my heart. I know I'm not perfect, i know that i'm over confident sometimes when voicing out my opinion. Sometimes, i want you all to follow my way of doing things too much that i UNINTENTIONALLY showed dissatisfied expression when you don't. But, i didn't mean it at all. I'm just sad because my idea was band. I didn't mean other thing. Why would you want to say this line to others when i'm crying. Why? Can you please tell me why? What wrong have i done that i deserve this treatment from you guys. When I cried it's because my heart was broken not because i'm asking for sympathy. Can somebody let me know what's the problem of crying when deep inside you it hurts so much?

The most heartache is the one i treated like a real sister kept quiet throughout this. I thought at least i can rely on you but you never give me any supports when i'm alone. Maybe you thought i have others to support me but who i need is my best friend. You just ignored me like them. Don't tell me you're afraid because I've told you before that i needed you to talk to me when i'm down..to show me at least you care. But, you choose to mind your own business and leave me behind. I was WRONG to think that i can rely on you.

Blame me for being mean, blame me for being ignorant, blame me for whatever you want because i have lost all of you in UK.

Tears remain.